Mental Health and Photography - Fireworks
Fireworks are cool.
If you spent any time this Independence Day weekend around these explosive OSHA violations, you’d likely have a similar sentiment. Watching miniature, and at times not so miniature, explosions overhead bleeding in reds, whites and blues causes an audible reaction of the crowd reverberating in “oohs” and “ahhs”. Whirly-whoos whistling in its windy formation, boom-booms blaring its boisterous voice, and Cindy Lou Who who was no more than two.
I’m no fireworks connoisseur, but I almost guarantee that you could vividly picture these whirly-whoos and boom-booms, including a nostalgic greeting of a Dr. Suess' character inquiring about the motivations of a disgruntled, hairy, green fellow. Fireworks make a lot of noise, bursts incredible amounts of light, and attract hordes of people. For those with anxiety, this setting can be perfectly unsettling.
And here we are.
It’s a long summer weekend packed full with family, food, and American flags displayed in several forms. The best way to cap off such a weekend is by watching these fiery displays. As a photographer, that means ample opportunity to capture this pyro-beauty for years to come. Bringing this down to a more personal level, I’ve never really photographed fireworks before. And as I continue to venture forth in this hobby-hopefully-turned-career-path, it was time to give it a shot (pun very much intended).
I didn’t want to go to the fireworks show.
Let me be honest with you. A strange statement given that my honesty has been far more apparent than necessary in this blog. I had no desire to go. It was a long day, a good day, just long. On a weekend that was busy, not a bad busy, just busy. I wanted time to myself, down time even. A time to sit on the couch and stare at a digital representation of mind dulling entertainment; the unnatural escape from life's realities.
Living a life with anxiety causes me to beg the question; what is the origin of my disdain towards attending this event? Anxiety has crippled me in ways that prohibited me from participating in areas that I’ve always enjoyed. Where I grew up consistently enjoying loud noises, bright flashes, and large crowds of people, why do I suddenly despise the idea of all three?
Understanding that I’m not alone in these negative feelings, there are several reasons that come to mind immediately as to why someone might not enjoy a smoke infested, people riddled, dark environment with random explosions nearby. It is not uncommon for hobbies and desires to change with maturity. It is far more possible that you are simply too tired to want to stay out for a show that starts well after 10PM. So I inquired whether my desire to sit home idly was justified.
Chicky or eggy.
There is some complex juggling between knowing whether or not your anxious thoughts about something manipulated your desires. I dig into the idea that my being anxious about doing something causes me not to want to do it. In other words, are my desires just aligning with my anxiety? The chicken or the egg. What I want to do versus what I am anxious about doing. I no longer do things because they are anxiety inducing, which makes me no longer desire to do them. A tough question with an even tougher answer.
Let's say you’ve been a huge fan of going to Buffalo Bills games. I don’t know anyone like this, it is too far outside myself to use a personal example. The rowdy group known as Bills Mafia have been known to wreak havoc in strange and unpredictable ways. Sometimes it is entertaining, sometimes you’re left wondering how many shots of liquor taken out of a bowling ball finger hole it takes before that sounded like a good idea. Jumping through tables is one thing, other things would require an adult rating on my blog post if I began to describe.
Anyways, imagine now that you no longer want to go to Buffalo Bills games. Again, you might see that as a reasonable disposition. However, my mind immediately goes to the lingering question, why do I no longer want to go?
I actually have no idea.
Hold on. We are 700 words and counting into this rambling lunacy known as the Josh B Photography blog and you drop the ole, “I don’t know”? At Least I gave you pretty photos of fireworks… Herein lies the problem, I actually don’t know. My only goal here is to communicate that the issue exists and what I do about it. It's not a perfect method nor will there be any books written ad nauseam on my response, but I can at least reflect on its impact for me and you do whatever you’re going to do.
The extreme.
I was once an employee at Walt Disney World. Although, I’m fairly certain I was a cast member and I didn’t work, I performed. I digress. While performing as a cast member at this prestigious theme park, you were rewarded with monetary compensation as well as free access to all the parks. Not bad for “working”.
As you may know, there are many rides at Disney. Many rides that, if left to my own discretion, I would never step foot on. However, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I had roommates that were, how do you say, of more girth than me. I wanted to enjoy all that the parks had to offer, including the rides. Having anxiety about riding such rides, my genius idea was to instruct my larger framed cohort to force me to go on the rides. No matter how much I fought back, they were under strict orders to get me on that ride.
They were successful. Thus, I was successful. I rode all the rides that I was scared of, and threw in a ride on the merry-go-round to cap it off.
I wouldn’t necessarily suggest this to anyone. But the approach was to ensure that my desires were not being determined by my anxieties.
The practical.
Bringing this all back to more current happenings, I approached this fireworks event very differently. And I hope it was with a bit more maturity and wisdom, though 22 year old me thought I was brilliant. I focused more on what was going on in my thoughts that was making me anxious. What kinds of things were I thinking about towards the evening?
My thoughts were something along the lines of what if’s. What if I can’t park close enough to the park, what if I have a panic attack, what if I run into someone I don’t want to see, what if …
Notice that none of my thoughts are positive. What if a million dollars falls from the sky and safely lands inside my car while I’m watching fireworks? And, I get to meet the pope. No, my thoughts were all focused on the potential problems of going that all surrounded my current anxieties. Now, if my mind was at a place where I was tired and my only thought was surrounding that, I might be a bit more likely to let myself off the hook. But that wasn’t the case.
So I went.
I went and I enjoyed it. It was a growing moment for me. More of a challenge leading up to it than the event itself.
My hope and my current journey is to never allow my anxieties to determine my desires, rather, I want my desires to provoke me to overcome anxieties. And take nice pictures along the way.