Foot in mouth disorder.

I made the comment the other day that my goal in life was to get a cool picture of a hawk. A comment that I still can’t seem to live down amongst my peers. My distinct and poor choice in words suggests a fairly pathetic life goal and one that shouldn’t be too difficult to accomplish. Some people aspire to be president of the United States or travel to space or get 5 million followers on TikTok. Not me. I want a picture of a bird. To be fair, I did say it had to be a “cool” picture.

I don’t know if I’ve been more intimidated than when I’m being stared down by a carnivorous bird of prey. Those eyes can see the blackheads on my nose from 200 feet away. They may even see the small wet spot on my pants that seems to be growing larger by the second. Being able to fly at high velocity, having massive beaks designed to tear flesh, razor sharp talons… I have none of those things. I have a camera.

At least it’s a nice camera.

Regardless, my goal is unchanged. Though it may not hold the same weight as my original statement suggested, I still keep my eye out daily for that “cool” picture. I see hawks all the time, the problem is that they see me as well. And something in their DNA suggests that I’m some sort of a threat. I guess their brains really are that small.

You see, I’ve seen these hawks near the road as I drive by in my steel dome on wheels traveling at 55 MPH. They watch me pass by and go about their day watching for unsuspecting mice. However, I have stopped and gotten out of my protective dome to try and capture an image only to have them fly away almost instantly. This insanely predatorial and intimidating bird is terrified of me. The car? Nah, nothing to be concerned about there. The shaking, bare skinned, slow, wingless creature? Gotta go.

I’m annoyed because I've seemingly dedicated my entire life's work to getting one of these elusive hawks on camera. Unsuccessfully to date. Oh, you thought there would be pictures of a hawk at the end of this post? I’m sorry to disappoint you. More sorry that my life accomplishments have been such a disappointment. Too far? My hope is that by making fun of the stupid comment I made months ago that people will leave me alone. Is it working?

No, I don’t have any pictures of a hawk ... Yet.

Seeing as my efforts have been in vain thus far, I’ve resorted to the more mature thing; getting pictures of birds that aren’t as afraid of me. They are far smaller, less intimidating and will eat out of your hand. They are colorful, make pretty noises, and can be seen virtually anywhere. Less effort, less rewarding, but still gets posted to my portfolio. My life goal has officially been squandered. Take that you dumb Red-Tailed Hawk.

I took a trip to Mendon Ponds Park. Anyone who has ventured to this neck of Monroe County would recognize this park for its treacherous sledding hills, unique kames and kettles and other glacial geological terms you may be unfamiliar with. I thought they were drumlins, turns out drumlins differ from kames and eskers for some complicated science reason. They are hills formed by glaciers, ok? I blame my earth science teacher.

Either way, there is a bird song trail at Mendon Ponds Park where you can literally hand feed some of the local fowl. You stand in the middle of the path, hold seed in your out-stretched hand and try not to flinch as birds use their tiny talons to secure a grip on your exposed skin. It’s pretty neat unless you’ve ever seen the classic Alfred Hitchcock film, The Birds. Then you think all flying creatures exist to put you into a severe state of suspense and then eat you.

I was being followed.

As I approached this trail I needed to stop and adjust some settings on my camera. As I did, I heard some peeps above my head. Not to my surprise, a chickadee stood 5’ above me asking me for some food. He also had a friend with him, a beautiful cardinal. They patiently stood there and tilted their heads towards me while making cute little noises. However, I had no bird seed nor anything that my new little friends could consume. Not today, friends, but hold still and I’ll take your picture.

Asking a songbird to hold still is comical. But as it would turn out, when birds are expecting food, they stay relatively in the same spot. I snapped a few photos and continued on my way. Then I noticed that birds were flying by and landing in the trees around me. This chickadee and cardinal morphed into about 15 to 20 different birds. Surrounded at this point, I stopped to try and capture more photos. Then it started to get weird…

They flew at my face, landed on my head, shoulder, and even camera lens. I was getting swarmed by cute little angry-faced songbirds. This made for great photos. Oh, also, I saw a bald eagle. Thanks for nothing, hawk.